How to Be Relationally Excellent with Students
John's Gospel starts out crazily, talking about this Word that was with God in the beginning and was God and that life comes through knowing this Word. In fact, John 1:1-13 is very philosophical, with run-on sentences and lofty ideas of light and darkness and having the opportunity to become children of God. It is a lot. But then John 1:14 takes all that philosophical jargon and turns it into something tangible: "The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."
The divine became flesh (don't do the math of 100% + 100%) and lived and walked among us.
You can have the best program for youth ministry, but if you don't have elements of the incarnation - the Word becoming flesh and dwelling among the people - you're missing the primary strategy Jesus utilized in his ministry.
The incarnation of Jesus is where relationally excellent ministry happens, and we call it contact work.
Contact work is any interaction between an adult leader and a student outside of ordinary or official activities. It is contact work if a leader and a student or students get together outside church, youth group, bible study, winter retreat, or summer camp.
Jesus spent time in his earthly ministry relating to people, connecting with them, hearing them, and talking with them. In 1 Thessalonians 2, Paul shares the Gospel and his life with the people he ministers with. This isn't just a throwaway idea of hanging out with students in life; it is vital to the ministry, especially with students.
By being seen at students' games, activities, and events, you're making your presence known by seeing and being seen by students and parents. So, at your regular gathering, you're not just a random face, but you're a face they have at least recognized, and they can recognize another layer of investment from you into their lives. The famous saying is true: students don't care what you know unless they know you care.
As you talk and show up, you're building trust with them, getting to know their lives, hearing their stories, and earning the right to be heard. A great speaker can deliver a perfectly crafted message to a room of hundreds of students, but a leader who has earned the right to be heard can speak the truth in love, and it can make a lasting impact on the life of a student.
And isn't that why we all got into ministry in the first place?
Every leader will have their spin on what contact looks like for their context and the students they are connecting with. For a time in ministry, contact work for me looked like walking around Target with two high school guys every week drinking ICEEs. We got funny looks, but it worked for us to talk about life, faith, and what God was doing in our lives.
It is cheering on students at their state cross country meets, going to musicals on opening night, drinking coffee together at a coffee shop, inviting them over for a meal for video games. Teach them Settlers of Catan.
Whatever it would look like for you to embody John 1:14, try it! But also, equip your leaders to do it too.
Here are some practical thoughts:
1. Have a clear pathway for leaders to start contact work - I tell our leaders that contact work starts at our regular gatherings with leaders saying hi to their students, getting their phone numbers, and asking about what is happening in their lives that week. Once leaders know that the first step of contact work is a part of the regular wins of your gathering, they'll build up some courage to take the next step, which is showing up.
2. Build accountability - Relational ministry is tricky and dangerous. It's tricky because it takes courage to attend a school event when you don't have a kid and all the weird looks that may come your way. It is dangerous because countless stories of inappropriate relationships started from regular contact work. To help with both, build accountability into the structure of your contact work in two ways:
Don't go alone - just like the disciples were sent out in pairs to minister and advance the gospel, encourage leaders to start contact work by going with another adult leader.
Communicate the plan - in the student ministries I have led, I have leaders text, call, or email whenever they plan to do contact work to have another adult and the one responsible for encouraging contact work know what is going on. They text us who they are meeting with, when and where, what they are doing, and who is going with them.
3. Have a Discipleship Plan - Contact work flows into discipleship. Suppose you meet with the same kid every week, and you don't begin to have spiritual conversations, open the Bible together, and pray with one another. In that case, you're wasting the vital time with your student. After the third meeting with a student, I always tell them that I appreciate the time we have spent together and then ask them to read the Bible with me the following times we get together. I usually ask for a six-week commitment from the student, and we'll evaluate it after.
Contact work is never the end but the start of the a discipleship plan that helps lead students closer to Jesus.